arcēology

In the sake of transparency, let me tell you why I haven’t written much about being a mother:

Being a mother is hard.

So very hard, for many reasons. But for now I’ll share with you only one of those reasons, lest you think I’m a horribly incompetent and irrational person. (Which, to be fair, might be your conclusion regardless.)

Yesterday I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Thankfully the Internet was having issues and, contrary to my day’s plans, I didn’t get to write a post … because I think I would have been just a wee bit dramatic and would have subsequently thrown myself into the arms of embarrassment. (If I’m really truthful, the phrase “nervous breakdown” up there is probably a bit much. See? I’m dramatic even on a pleasant, mellow day.)

The problem with me being a mother is that I generally strive for perfection in life, and I like to have a manual for my every action to best ensure that I achieve perfection. (Unless I’m cooking … Then I like to be a chemist!) Much to my dismay and surprise, Owen didn’t pop out clutching a how-to book. That means, when I wonder, “Why is my 6-week-old child NOT SMILING,” I don’t chuckle at his stubbornness and move on with life, “going with the flow” and being all laissez-faire with his smiles. No, siree. Instead, I dwell on the fact that my 6-week-old child is not smiling, and I arrive at the reasonable explanation that Owen is developmentally challenged. And, like any good mother, I must intervene.

Therefore, I:

• Read any page I can find regarding smiles and “milestones.”
• Google: “6-week-old not smiling” and “How to make child smile” and “Baby Smiling 101.”
• Rave at my husband about how the house just isn’t clean and how the unclean house is ruining my life and how Owen isn’t smiling and how it’s all interconnected!
• Begin to look more and more like the Joker, suspiciously.
• “Smile” at my child with my now villain-esque appearance, pondering his tears.
• Carry him around in hysterics, saying things like, “There ya go! You can do it! Smile! SMILE! PLEASE SMILE FOR YOUR NICE MOMMY PLEASE.”

At some point in the day, he smiled at me. See? Hard work really does pay off. Victory!

In the meantime, when I’m not fretting, Kyle and I have also convinced ourselves that Owen is a genius, albeit a socially awkward and grumpy one:

(See, the good thing about knowing nothing about babies is that you think yours always achieves the unachievable. You know what they say about ignorance and bliss ….)

Filed under: Baby, Kyle, Motherhood